8'D more depressive ramblins

I think this has just become the place I get things off of my chest.

As of late i've become emotionally volatile, and it is indeed due to the whole -she slept with her friend- thing.

I dont know. She told me, she wants me and only me and that she loves me. But that she can't promise me she'll be celibate if only for the physical contact.

But even so, to me that isnt right. I want to be in a relationship where I dont have to worry constantly that she'll be in bed with someone else, even though she tells me. It's .....i dont know ... it's sort of a cross between and open relationship and cheating.

I, personally, can wait forever to be the person that i love. And the fact there is an ocean in between doesnt bother me. It can easily be crossed with enough money saved up, and that to me is okay.

To be with who I want to be with, I would always wait, even if I do crave physicality and am going out of my mind that I cant even hug my friends since none of them hug anyone unless they're upset. And let alone sex! I wouldn't touch anyone if I knew I had someone waiting for me, who trusts and loves me.

I'm pretty sure if i told her 'oh i got laid' she'd be more than upset.

And ofc I get jealous. She's over the ocean, I cant be with her or see her properly, i cant hug her or talk to her or anything unless Skype and IM programs.

Whereas she can see her friends, hug her friends, have sex with whoever she trusts.

I understand she's a rabbit. But it doesnt excuse it.

Perhaps Americans just have a completely different mindset to everyone I have known in England.

Because over here, doing that is indeed seen as wrong and you get warned not to be with people like that.

But from what I gather knowing her and her friends, it's apparently normal.

I mean, her best friend's girlfriend told her she'd like to fuck her. To me, that speaks VOLUMES. Not that I believe my girlfriend would sleep with her, because that would be cruel to her best friend.

But even still....... It feels like....every time I let myself just fall further into love with her, or let my fears and worries go to fully trust her. That's when it always happens and I find out something that cuts me.

And whilst I'd rather not know so I dont feel like i'm being stabbed. I would rather know so I dont feel i'm being lied to.

IT's not fair. I absolutely love her. But because of this i just dont trust her, and I constantly feel on edge about her.

Because frankly, one day she will find someone closer to her, someone who is as probably better than me and hey close by so there's a real physical relationship. And then I will turn into her ex-bf. Someone she doesnt want to hurt or lose friendship with...so most likely i'll be lied to for a good while. Which i dont want.

And yes.....I know i shouldnt assume but this is my thought process. Thus. STFU.

This sucks because last night we talked about how her friends relationship isnt working because of lack of communication.......

Ironic as I havent communicated any of this to my own girlfriend. Even if i make it perfectly clear how I hate it when she brings up things like being with someone else.

I am worried i'll lose her. It also pisses me off so much how she can be with someone and I cant because my morals and heart and life will not let me.......that and no one i know in England would ever do that... I;d have to get pissed at a club and hope someone hit on me |D Cause everyone i know has strong views that a relationship is a relationship.

But i hate this feeling of constant paranoia and worry and distrust. It's overshadowed me and made me feel like shit and half the time i'd like to just run away, leave her and everyone and just not be here.

At the same time i want her, only her, and i'd pretty much like a normal fucking relationship.

I often want to bring this up with her, but i don't want to start an argument, I don't want to make her feel like shit or upset.

But tbh she's not the only one who's alone. She may not share a house with anyone, but she's see's her friends more than I do, she goes out, she can be with people, she can TALK to her friends about her problems (Within reason). She has more communication and contact with people than me entirely.

I am beyond alone, with no friends I can talk to about my problems, or family that will listen, or even a councillor or anything.
None of my friends here believe in hugging people or anything, and all my other friends are either far away and I've grown apart from them, or they've got FAR too many of their own problems that I'd never want to bother them with mine. I don't want to talk to family about this either.

That or they'll judge me with the whole "you cant have a relationship online, you've never met the girl, blah blah peado, blah blah"

I'm on Skype with the girl often, I know she's real as i can SEE her. Yes you CAN have a relationship on-line as relationships are based on communication, getting to know people, etc etc. And that's exactly what we've done for three-ish years as friends before anything happened in the thirdish???? year.

It just........... What worries me most is this:

Right now we've never met, and as she said, she cant promise she wont 'be' with someone for the physical contact.

So for me right now, as much as that fucking hurts, I try and ignore that, push it away and pretend it doesn't exist like the idiot I am.

But I'm going to see her in the summer for a week, and I know I'll probably fall more in love with her than before, my guard'll drop and everything will be fucking roses.........sorta.

And then I'll go back to England...and things will go back to exactly how they were, the only difference being I'll trust her ten times more than ever, and will probably die inside because of it going back to how it is now. It'll sorta feel like it was all a waste.

It really sucks that someone apparently loves you that much but still needs other people. It's basically some thing I can never believe. And I'm clinging on because she'd the only person I've ever loved and no, I don't want to let her go, ever.

I don't want to share her.

Urh this was such a shitty mood to wake up in. And because of all this i keep taking it out on her slightly which surely she must have picked up on? And i keep being so bloody depressed =^=

I'd like to smile again and be happy please, you know..like I did before Christmas =_=

Hn.

Ever have the urge to just go? To just pick up sticks and go vanish to somewhere. Have a whole new life where no one knows you. Abandon all your ID's online, your phone number, everything and just go start again somewhere else where no one knows you or can find you?

I unno, change your hair, buy new clothes, have a new home, new friends, abandon everything and start a new career path or life style and just be you away from everyone who knows 'you'.

Kinda seems nice. Escaping without a trace, but still existing. But then i guess that's just running away |D And I'd never want to be a coward. But everything is so easy to ignore, just push it away to the darkest corner of your heart or mind, where it stays forgotten for quite a long time. =^= Such is life...

What do i want to run away from you might wonder?

Love I guess.

I hate it. She's an ocean away, I cant have her to myself. She cant be celibate or whatever, and whilst i'm glad she at least tells me the truth instead of going behind my back. Still bloody hurts like fuck.

And I sorta dont see what you'd expect from me, telling me you met someone hot or whatever...or got laid...or something. On one hand i dont want to know, dont want to feel that hurt, or even give a fuck. I'd be quite happy to just run away, delete you from my life to preserve my self.

But then you'll hurt and cry etc cause you apparently love me, and fuck if i want that guilt on my shoulders.

Amazing how one sentence can just spoil the day. =^= *glances at valentines stuff to make on floor* ...... god damn.

Now i have to imagine you oggling over some hot girl in class forever. I should just quit.

I sent my heart across the sea and I guess I sent it to be juggled with. Stupid me.

(and wow boy have i notice my blog has turned into depression-ville ..... o-o this was never intended. But sometimes it's nice to have a place to rant where you're pretty sure none of your friends or family can see.... )

Definitely need a psychiatrist ||| Pep Talk To Self and who evers bothered to read it.

Personally, I'm at a loss. I cant believe in a God who would so easily abandon those in real dire suffering when they need help most. So knowing people like that need help more, i'd feel selfish for asking God...or any of the Gods for help....

I'm at uni currently.... uhm .... originally i had loads of things for the number of the councillor because it was freebee day XD Yeah...and now when i really want it...i've found out that i've lost them...all of them...

So i dont know what to do or who to turn to ever... I dont want to go to a councillor or psychiatrist cause i dont like strangers...and strangers judge. (whether or not their job is to help).

I'm an only child...i gained a step family at the age of 7..... but i'm not close.

For as long as i've known....i've always[i] /always/[/i] been the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel to a group of close friends. And though i love them all so dearly....it's still a stab in the gut to realise i have no one.

I dont have that one best friend everyone else seems to have... and i dont and never had a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I've never felt love or even a crush, and no one's ever loved me.

i get more critism from my mum, than encouragement, and University is really stressing me out. Doesnt help i started the pill recently so that screws around wit hormones.

I just... i dont know...it hurts, just kinda knowing i'm apparently not meant to have any one in life. I feel like the Forever Alone Troll =_=

It scares me knowing i have no one. No one i can turn to.

And even if i do...i just feel immense guilt knowing what i've unloaded on to them.

It's stupid to say but...

I'm the hero.

I'm the one my friends know they can turn to..i will always willingly and happily help and advise them to the best of my ability. I'm the agony aunt, the hero.

So....i dont know..... When you're the "hero" ....where's your own hero.... Who can you turn to when you're alone, you're depended on, and you're too conscious of unloading your problems onto someone else.....?

I dont want to be a bother...but i dont want to spend my life knowing i have no one...even if the world has me. (eh i sound so melodramatic)

I look at my friends, some who have tried committing suicide, and i want to hit them all for being ridiculous.

Yet even so i have stared at my own writsts for a while... And i always tell myself, it's not worth it. Life isnt that bad, and just because i'm stuck being alone, doesnt mean i cant do anything with my life.

I have goals and dreams...and whilst yes >> Death is an interesting concept (i've always wondered what happens afterwards). I'm certainly in no rush to get there.

I have too many promises to keep, and so many people rely on me and they do care about me....

and i love them all, so i'd never put them through that. And i'd never waste the time i have left.

Even so, i'll still sob at night when i'm down or scared or ill and realise no one's there to care or help or even just give me a bloody hug or smile.... Just completely alone in the dark..

I always used to dream and pray and wish i'd find out i was adopted, so i might find out i'm not an only child, that maybe i'd have a stereotype protective big brother out there i could turn to.

Or i'd fall in love and have someone to be my hero...

I used to be the most confident person in the world...and it all went down hill to the point, i'm just the invisible friend.

I may be loud and hyper and constantly smiling... but i always fall to the back of the group, get silent, have no one listen to me and just hide away talking to friends on msn on my phone, cause at least i;d have company then...

I cant talk to any one about it. I cant. I dont want to trouble them, and i dont want to be judged and i dont want to be treated differently. I'd just like to be visible.

What makes it worse is that, i;ve always been moddy coddled(sp) and over protected and controlled by my mother.

I dont know how to cook(well), clean, do laundry, pay bills, sort out banking.....i dont know anything that my parents should have taught me.

So whilst i have the common sense god gave me to be responsible and be mature when [i]/needed/[/i]. I dont know the real basics of life, and i'm bloody 18 years old, living alone at uni.

So my friends all kinda... i dont believe they intend to for a second... but they do look at me like i'm strange or a child or just i dont know.... because i dont know all this stuff..because i cant contribute... because i dont know the route i want in life (regardless of being on a Uni Degree for something that should be my future). I'm just kinda stuck on this path that branches of in to so many different cross roads..... i dont know where to turn

Whilst all of them are on the path they want and have chosen.... i've got myself stuck in a situation i cant get out of, because i'll let people down, i'll hurt people and make them sad, i'll waste money, i'll be judged...

All my problems pile up. And in the end i have no one.... So i break every few weeks (used to be months and years =w= ) and just cry.

For me....... i'd like to say to myself Where is my God now?

But honestly...i dont care. I pray to god...to any god or goddess willing to listen.

And i pray for my friends, and people who genuinely need the help...i always pray an angel will look after them, or guide them...

My friends and family will always be my priority over me.

The only thing i;ve ever asked the Gods for help with is to protect me from my stupid fear of things that dont exist. Because i'm so easily scared to the point i dont sleep for months without a light on.

I dont know. I'm a pathetic individual... but that's my thoughts.

I want someone. I want to feel love, and be loved by the one person who is meant for me and me alone. I could care less about their gender or race or religion. I just want the person meant for me. It hurts me if i try and help a friend out and they just snap at me for not knowing what it's like to be in love. Well...... i dont...... but i've been so far away from love, that i can clearly see all the things they're blind to....so i just talk common sense...cause it's the only sense i have.

I dont want to be alone, even if im having fun with friends...and i dont want empty smiles over certain things.

I want to smile for real when someone asks me about my friends or future lover. And not inwardly feel like i'm forgotten.

It breaks my heart and leaves me in tears, knowing i will probably never have anyone for me.

And i always say to myself..if i ever have a child, i will not allow them to be an only child. People complain about siblings... but they love them and they are normally close from the majority i've met.

I've grown up in a HUGE family, all of which every single one of them (par my cousin who ends up in jail a lot) have brothers and sisters.

And i'm just there...alone. As per usual.

People have started noticing i get closed off often.....and i dont like that...so i refuse to be a wall flower, i dont enjoy that. I will be noticed, i will be heard, and one day i'll be with someone. Even if it takes forever.

I dont agree with what ever apparent path may be set for me. I will lead my life the way i want it. And the way it should be according to natural law.

No one should be alone, and no one should feel lonely for a prolonged period of time. Everyone is entitled to smile genuine, and feel it inside themselves that they have someone.

So no matter how much it hurts me. Suicide can go jump off a cliff, loneliness can follow it. Cause i'm in control and i have the best friends a person could ask for. I'm not alone, as much as i feel it. I just haven't met the person just for me yet (friend or lover). And that's who i have to find.

You cant force it. But you can work damned hard towards it. I have issues...a lot of them...i havent been through "tough" or "hard" or "Traumatising" times. But that doesnt make me exempt from life.

I can smile. I can be me. I can be everyone's hero. and i can most certainly stop feeling lonely.

Because i'm a stubborn idiot :3 But that's what gets the job done. I wont solve anything by crying all night. Even if i'm starting from scratch, i'll get somewhere.

Suicide is never the answer. If you weren't meant to be to handle life. You would never have been born or you;d have been killed... cause that's life. We're here for a reason. And no matter how hard it gets. The fact you are [i]here[/i] and not six feet under or tossed to the wind. Is living proof you're meant to stay.

Cause even when you think you have nobody and life's "just not worth living". There is always someone out there to prove you wrong. There is always someone who will cry over your death, or attempt. You'll [i]always[/i] be needed by someone....even if they're not here right now.

I'd say it's always worth living. Even if it's just to meet that person.

Depressive ramblings :')

I like this blog :) I dont think any of my friends know about this blog, so it's a good place i can write down how i feel without them reading it and getting the wrong idea from it or worrying or whatever. But currently i'm a little depressed and just want to write out why, more for my own peace of mind then anyone's benefit but my own.

The irony is, this blogs pretty invisible...so it fits with what i'll say. -sigh-

well first it's sort of..... i dont understand the benefits of growing up and becoming and adult. You get stuck with bills and rent and lack of jobs and housing problems and relationship problems and taxes and uni fees and work and you are always so stressed out and under so much pressure.

i dont see how everything you sacrifice as child to grow up is worth it because you dont get any real benefit. and no, legally being allowed alcohol and sex and all that crap is not a real benefit as it doesnt out way how much shit you have to deal with growing up. at all.

okay....i need to explain something, it'll sound od d but bare with it. it may make sense at some point.

i'm 18, i've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a first kiss, or sex, or anything.

in fact, i've never even had a crush on anyone.

possibly i'm assexual, but wouldnt that mean i dont want any of this also? Because i know that i do want to be in love with someone, i'd love nothing more.

it's really tiresome and annoying being the only one out of all your friends alone. always alone, and any boys that do ask me out are stalkerish and reallly creepy (not being mean, just trueful.)

at the same time. You know how the majority of people have that one best friend they are alllllways associated with. the one best friend that you always link them together, there isnt one with out the other.

well, i'm also the only one in all my groups of friends without that.

so if some of them are couples, and some of them have that one best friend they're always with.

yet again i'm always the one singled out or the third wheel. everytime.

after a while it gets irritating beyond belief, but they're my friends and i love them, so i just deal with it and try and get attention by being my usual hyper self.

but i get forgotten a lot (dont know HOW; i'm so loud and hyper and crazy) and my friends often forget i'm there.

if anyone has watched/read an anime/manga called Hetalia. Think of it like; america's personality....in canada's body.

crazy hyper, yet has the body awareness of air.

so this basically brings me to why i'm upset. because today i had to quit my stage school i've been attending since i was 7. the people there were my closest friends and family......and because of the work load from university, i've had to quit and say good bye.....and it's so heartbreaking for me, cause they were my family. and no one.

not anyone from uni or college or expo could ever replace that or know me as well as them.it was like I was an integral part of that family because I had been there so long, I had a place there and always felt safe there like I had some where I belonged, even if I was a rubbish dancer.

But in all honesty, I know that no one (apart from HFHS mates) will ever I don't really know...love me? It's an odd thing to say but I know that, all of my friends I absolutely love, because I view them has family. But I know that in a lot of my friends eyes I'm just one of many friends yes? It's logic and understandible. But it's saddening when a friend you considered a good friend no longer talks to you as much.

It's also sad that since I don't have a bf/gf/(who knows) or that one best friend....I don't have anyone to really confide in. Because I know that they are either preoccupied with their college/university work, wrapped up in their love lives, or personal problems.

Also understandible...but I feel sad that they can always come to me for advice or comfort and I'll gladly help and be worried....yet I know I cannot do this visa versa....because sometimes they just don't care, yes?

I'm not sure what I'm getting at any more but I guess I just feel like....

It's cliché but...

I have tons of friends, and a few good close friends.

I feel as though....I'm that person who is lonely, when surrounded by a crowd of people.

I just hope one day I meet someone who is for me, and me alone and I'm for them only aswell XD

Gah I'm just so optimistic even when depressed. Sorry for ramblig for forever :3

Things will look up soon. One day at least.

TWO LECTURES (Causew i forgot to post last weeks XD)

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm last week we got a new lecturer called.......erm......ah......uhm...Bill? From AUSTRALIA! >D

Erm....well, to be very honest. I didnt have a clue what i was being talked to about last lecture, none of it really made any sense to me. I think it was about New Media....but i just remember the teacher going of on random tangents and also

"No daddy dont do it!"

and

THE CIRCLE OF FEAR!!!

(Yes........yes this is what we learn on thursdays)

and apparently our lectures tend to run.....and dive head first into the gutter. I'm mean that old video we got shown of the dad trying to murder his daughter. Well the things thing that flashed on screen was Dont do it daddy! And everyones minds went: Ohhhhhhh....... X_X;;;;;;

So yes......i really didnt understand what we were being talked to about last lecture as this is all i remember. That and.......Bill thinking he had gone over the lecture....and then realising it was the video time =w=;;;


TODAYS LECTURE!!!!!

(also dived head first into gutter)

One of the screen shots was titled:
Star Wars: A New Hope, 1975
- Discuss technology Star Wars in relation to Luke's orgasm

Bare in mind we were very sugar high and living off lack of sleep for months =w=;;;;;;; this was immeasurably shocking and hilarious. Also ..........Bill went on to say something about penetration and a girl getting injected......

So we all sort of............died laughing in our seats.

But YES!

Todays lecture was on Originally and Repetition

And we looked at the Sci-Fi genre.

i learnt there was a third thing to Arbitary and Iconic called Index, which taken from the quote on board (also Bill fails and power point presentations XD; it's quite epic <3 ) "You cant have smoke without fire" Smoke being the Index.

It's not a direct icon for fire, but it's commonly associated with it. Therefore Index XD

Also that "Intertextuality works within and across genre". So it's everywhere. With inclusion to ideas and concept being used throughout story lines and films.

Hence a lot of repetition and things we're familiar with..

At least......that's what i got from it.

------

On another note.

ESSAY is bloody due in next week and i'm confused as fuck! And I bloody d;aghsd;ghdlfzshglafgh


WELL i know i'm choosing a scene from the animated version of Alice in Wonderland. I know i'm doing binary opposition and arbitary/iconic. and i know exactly what tangent i'm going down.


BUT i've no idea where to get reference at all.

I know i can take quotes from the actual Alice in Wonderland/Underground book and reference them.

But other than that i dont know what to do.

I can look into the live action films and compare the representation of the Cheshire cat throught the films.......but OHMYGAWD

this seriously confuses me ><;;;

I dont know what reference to get or where i should be looking. Because i know if i was researching an artist for college =w= i'd look into their work, thei influnces, who, what, where, when, why, how etc............
But for this essay it doesnt seem as simple as that.

All it seems to be is.........that the only place i can look for reference to Harvadise in all its bastardous glory, is the actual book itself.

So i'm completely lost.

sigh.........

And i'd email Phillipa......but i feel it will end badly and leave me more confused.

My poor Fish

Today on the 12.8.09 my pet fidh Chichiri died Q_Q

He was a brave fish, and survived many mnay years, surving the illness of the two brother fish caught, living longer than his final friend in the tank...

He fought a long battle with an odd lump forming on his side, which i only noticed just the begining of this year...and sadly none of the adults payed me any attention when I told them of this ><

He lived longer than four years, a true fighter of a gold fish, wose koi colours shone out through the tank, exclaiming is beauty. As the years went past his beautiful orange patches faded and disapeared, all except the small orange streak on his flamboyant tail; now a fully white fish swimming alone.

He was so lively, and crazy, and he always knew when it was time to be fed, chucking stones about the tank if he was getting hungry or someone forgot the time. Chichiri was an amazing and beautiful fish, and I shall miss him loads. Waking up in the morning will never be the same...coming downstairs every morning and greeting him.

R.I.P Chichiri, we will all miss you so <3333

FanFics!!! Oh Yeah~

I know ><;;; I'm odd, please deal with it and smile. Any way these are the only (well i wrote three but...) two good fics i've wrote that centre around...wait for it *drumroles* ZukaFuji Fandom!!!!! Actually NO I wrote 4!!! I'm sooo forgetful ne ^^;;; I wrote three good ones and a bad one... but number three is also a Golden Fic as well as Perfect ^^
If i can do link's correctly then i might be able to put em on here...... can I do a link on here to FF.net? Or will i get in trouble...hmmmm
Oh screw it ><;;; Link it any way!!! They're my fanfics after all.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5027392/1/Tezuka_Deprivation

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5020608/1/There_Was_Nothing_We_Could_Do

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5197725/1/To_Irritate_and_Annoy

I thought I'd do that...Heck i might even write fics on here and then post them on LJ and FF as well....I can't get in trouble since they'll be my own fics...even if i do have several accounts floating around the web...maybe ><;;; mou i don't know....gah i'll post this any way. Just...oh what ever ><;;;; *confused and lost*