Definitely need a psychiatrist ||| Pep Talk To Self and who evers bothered to read it.

Personally, I'm at a loss. I cant believe in a God who would so easily abandon those in real dire suffering when they need help most. So knowing people like that need help more, i'd feel selfish for asking God...or any of the Gods for help....

I'm at uni currently.... uhm .... originally i had loads of things for the number of the councillor because it was freebee day XD Yeah...and now when i really want it...i've found out that i've lost them...all of them...

So i dont know what to do or who to turn to ever... I dont want to go to a councillor or psychiatrist cause i dont like strangers...and strangers judge. (whether or not their job is to help).

I'm an only child...i gained a step family at the age of 7..... but i'm not close.

For as long as i've known....i've always[i] /always/[/i] been the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel to a group of close friends. And though i love them all so dearly....it's still a stab in the gut to realise i have no one.

I dont have that one best friend everyone else seems to have... and i dont and never had a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I've never felt love or even a crush, and no one's ever loved me.

i get more critism from my mum, than encouragement, and University is really stressing me out. Doesnt help i started the pill recently so that screws around wit hormones.

I just... i dont know...it hurts, just kinda knowing i'm apparently not meant to have any one in life. I feel like the Forever Alone Troll =_=

It scares me knowing i have no one. No one i can turn to.

And even if i do...i just feel immense guilt knowing what i've unloaded on to them.

It's stupid to say but...

I'm the hero.

I'm the one my friends know they can turn to..i will always willingly and happily help and advise them to the best of my ability. I'm the agony aunt, the hero.

So....i dont know..... When you're the "hero" ....where's your own hero.... Who can you turn to when you're alone, you're depended on, and you're too conscious of unloading your problems onto someone else.....?

I dont want to be a bother...but i dont want to spend my life knowing i have no one...even if the world has me. (eh i sound so melodramatic)

I look at my friends, some who have tried committing suicide, and i want to hit them all for being ridiculous.

Yet even so i have stared at my own writsts for a while... And i always tell myself, it's not worth it. Life isnt that bad, and just because i'm stuck being alone, doesnt mean i cant do anything with my life.

I have goals and dreams...and whilst yes >> Death is an interesting concept (i've always wondered what happens afterwards). I'm certainly in no rush to get there.

I have too many promises to keep, and so many people rely on me and they do care about me....

and i love them all, so i'd never put them through that. And i'd never waste the time i have left.

Even so, i'll still sob at night when i'm down or scared or ill and realise no one's there to care or help or even just give me a bloody hug or smile.... Just completely alone in the dark..

I always used to dream and pray and wish i'd find out i was adopted, so i might find out i'm not an only child, that maybe i'd have a stereotype protective big brother out there i could turn to.

Or i'd fall in love and have someone to be my hero...

I used to be the most confident person in the world...and it all went down hill to the point, i'm just the invisible friend.

I may be loud and hyper and constantly smiling... but i always fall to the back of the group, get silent, have no one listen to me and just hide away talking to friends on msn on my phone, cause at least i;d have company then...

I cant talk to any one about it. I cant. I dont want to trouble them, and i dont want to be judged and i dont want to be treated differently. I'd just like to be visible.

What makes it worse is that, i;ve always been moddy coddled(sp) and over protected and controlled by my mother.

I dont know how to cook(well), clean, do laundry, pay bills, sort out banking.....i dont know anything that my parents should have taught me.

So whilst i have the common sense god gave me to be responsible and be mature when [i]/needed/[/i]. I dont know the real basics of life, and i'm bloody 18 years old, living alone at uni.

So my friends all kinda... i dont believe they intend to for a second... but they do look at me like i'm strange or a child or just i dont know.... because i dont know all this stuff..because i cant contribute... because i dont know the route i want in life (regardless of being on a Uni Degree for something that should be my future). I'm just kinda stuck on this path that branches of in to so many different cross roads..... i dont know where to turn

Whilst all of them are on the path they want and have chosen.... i've got myself stuck in a situation i cant get out of, because i'll let people down, i'll hurt people and make them sad, i'll waste money, i'll be judged...

All my problems pile up. And in the end i have no one.... So i break every few weeks (used to be months and years =w= ) and just cry.

For me....... i'd like to say to myself Where is my God now?

But honestly...i dont care. I pray to god...to any god or goddess willing to listen.

And i pray for my friends, and people who genuinely need the help...i always pray an angel will look after them, or guide them...

My friends and family will always be my priority over me.

The only thing i;ve ever asked the Gods for help with is to protect me from my stupid fear of things that dont exist. Because i'm so easily scared to the point i dont sleep for months without a light on.

I dont know. I'm a pathetic individual... but that's my thoughts.

I want someone. I want to feel love, and be loved by the one person who is meant for me and me alone. I could care less about their gender or race or religion. I just want the person meant for me. It hurts me if i try and help a friend out and they just snap at me for not knowing what it's like to be in love. Well...... i dont...... but i've been so far away from love, that i can clearly see all the things they're blind to....so i just talk common sense...cause it's the only sense i have.

I dont want to be alone, even if im having fun with friends...and i dont want empty smiles over certain things.

I want to smile for real when someone asks me about my friends or future lover. And not inwardly feel like i'm forgotten.

It breaks my heart and leaves me in tears, knowing i will probably never have anyone for me.

And i always say to myself..if i ever have a child, i will not allow them to be an only child. People complain about siblings... but they love them and they are normally close from the majority i've met.

I've grown up in a HUGE family, all of which every single one of them (par my cousin who ends up in jail a lot) have brothers and sisters.

And i'm just there...alone. As per usual.

People have started noticing i get closed off often.....and i dont like that...so i refuse to be a wall flower, i dont enjoy that. I will be noticed, i will be heard, and one day i'll be with someone. Even if it takes forever.

I dont agree with what ever apparent path may be set for me. I will lead my life the way i want it. And the way it should be according to natural law.

No one should be alone, and no one should feel lonely for a prolonged period of time. Everyone is entitled to smile genuine, and feel it inside themselves that they have someone.

So no matter how much it hurts me. Suicide can go jump off a cliff, loneliness can follow it. Cause i'm in control and i have the best friends a person could ask for. I'm not alone, as much as i feel it. I just haven't met the person just for me yet (friend or lover). And that's who i have to find.

You cant force it. But you can work damned hard towards it. I have issues...a lot of them...i havent been through "tough" or "hard" or "Traumatising" times. But that doesnt make me exempt from life.

I can smile. I can be me. I can be everyone's hero. and i can most certainly stop feeling lonely.

Because i'm a stubborn idiot :3 But that's what gets the job done. I wont solve anything by crying all night. Even if i'm starting from scratch, i'll get somewhere.

Suicide is never the answer. If you weren't meant to be to handle life. You would never have been born or you;d have been killed... cause that's life. We're here for a reason. And no matter how hard it gets. The fact you are [i]here[/i] and not six feet under or tossed to the wind. Is living proof you're meant to stay.

Cause even when you think you have nobody and life's "just not worth living". There is always someone out there to prove you wrong. There is always someone who will cry over your death, or attempt. You'll [i]always[/i] be needed by someone....even if they're not here right now.

I'd say it's always worth living. Even if it's just to meet that person.