Depressive ramblings :')

I like this blog :) I dont think any of my friends know about this blog, so it's a good place i can write down how i feel without them reading it and getting the wrong idea from it or worrying or whatever. But currently i'm a little depressed and just want to write out why, more for my own peace of mind then anyone's benefit but my own.

The irony is, this blogs pretty invisible...so it fits with what i'll say. -sigh-

well first it's sort of..... i dont understand the benefits of growing up and becoming and adult. You get stuck with bills and rent and lack of jobs and housing problems and relationship problems and taxes and uni fees and work and you are always so stressed out and under so much pressure.

i dont see how everything you sacrifice as child to grow up is worth it because you dont get any real benefit. and no, legally being allowed alcohol and sex and all that crap is not a real benefit as it doesnt out way how much shit you have to deal with growing up. at all.

okay....i need to explain something, it'll sound od d but bare with it. it may make sense at some point.

i'm 18, i've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a first kiss, or sex, or anything.

in fact, i've never even had a crush on anyone.

possibly i'm assexual, but wouldnt that mean i dont want any of this also? Because i know that i do want to be in love with someone, i'd love nothing more.

it's really tiresome and annoying being the only one out of all your friends alone. always alone, and any boys that do ask me out are stalkerish and reallly creepy (not being mean, just trueful.)

at the same time. You know how the majority of people have that one best friend they are alllllways associated with. the one best friend that you always link them together, there isnt one with out the other.

well, i'm also the only one in all my groups of friends without that.

so if some of them are couples, and some of them have that one best friend they're always with.

yet again i'm always the one singled out or the third wheel. everytime.

after a while it gets irritating beyond belief, but they're my friends and i love them, so i just deal with it and try and get attention by being my usual hyper self.

but i get forgotten a lot (dont know HOW; i'm so loud and hyper and crazy) and my friends often forget i'm there.

if anyone has watched/read an anime/manga called Hetalia. Think of it like; america's personality....in canada's body.

crazy hyper, yet has the body awareness of air.

so this basically brings me to why i'm upset. because today i had to quit my stage school i've been attending since i was 7. the people there were my closest friends and family......and because of the work load from university, i've had to quit and say good bye.....and it's so heartbreaking for me, cause they were my family. and no one.

not anyone from uni or college or expo could ever replace that or know me as well as them.it was like I was an integral part of that family because I had been there so long, I had a place there and always felt safe there like I had some where I belonged, even if I was a rubbish dancer.

But in all honesty, I know that no one (apart from HFHS mates) will ever I don't really know...love me? It's an odd thing to say but I know that, all of my friends I absolutely love, because I view them has family. But I know that in a lot of my friends eyes I'm just one of many friends yes? It's logic and understandible. But it's saddening when a friend you considered a good friend no longer talks to you as much.

It's also sad that since I don't have a bf/gf/(who knows) or that one best friend....I don't have anyone to really confide in. Because I know that they are either preoccupied with their college/university work, wrapped up in their love lives, or personal problems.

Also understandible...but I feel sad that they can always come to me for advice or comfort and I'll gladly help and be worried....yet I know I cannot do this visa versa....because sometimes they just don't care, yes?

I'm not sure what I'm getting at any more but I guess I just feel like....

It's cliché but...

I have tons of friends, and a few good close friends.

I feel as though....I'm that person who is lonely, when surrounded by a crowd of people.

I just hope one day I meet someone who is for me, and me alone and I'm for them only aswell XD

Gah I'm just so optimistic even when depressed. Sorry for ramblig for forever :3

Things will look up soon. One day at least.

TWO LECTURES (Causew i forgot to post last weeks XD)

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm last week we got a new lecturer called.......erm......ah......uhm...Bill? From AUSTRALIA! >D

Erm....well, to be very honest. I didnt have a clue what i was being talked to about last lecture, none of it really made any sense to me. I think it was about New Media....but i just remember the teacher going of on random tangents and also

"No daddy dont do it!"

and

THE CIRCLE OF FEAR!!!

(Yes........yes this is what we learn on thursdays)

and apparently our lectures tend to run.....and dive head first into the gutter. I'm mean that old video we got shown of the dad trying to murder his daughter. Well the things thing that flashed on screen was Dont do it daddy! And everyones minds went: Ohhhhhhh....... X_X;;;;;;

So yes......i really didnt understand what we were being talked to about last lecture as this is all i remember. That and.......Bill thinking he had gone over the lecture....and then realising it was the video time =w=;;;


TODAYS LECTURE!!!!!

(also dived head first into gutter)

One of the screen shots was titled:
Star Wars: A New Hope, 1975
- Discuss technology Star Wars in relation to Luke's orgasm

Bare in mind we were very sugar high and living off lack of sleep for months =w=;;;;;;; this was immeasurably shocking and hilarious. Also ..........Bill went on to say something about penetration and a girl getting injected......

So we all sort of............died laughing in our seats.

But YES!

Todays lecture was on Originally and Repetition

And we looked at the Sci-Fi genre.

i learnt there was a third thing to Arbitary and Iconic called Index, which taken from the quote on board (also Bill fails and power point presentations XD; it's quite epic <3 ) "You cant have smoke without fire" Smoke being the Index.

It's not a direct icon for fire, but it's commonly associated with it. Therefore Index XD

Also that "Intertextuality works within and across genre". So it's everywhere. With inclusion to ideas and concept being used throughout story lines and films.

Hence a lot of repetition and things we're familiar with..

At least......that's what i got from it.

------

On another note.

ESSAY is bloody due in next week and i'm confused as fuck! And I bloody d;aghsd;ghdlfzshglafgh


WELL i know i'm choosing a scene from the animated version of Alice in Wonderland. I know i'm doing binary opposition and arbitary/iconic. and i know exactly what tangent i'm going down.


BUT i've no idea where to get reference at all.

I know i can take quotes from the actual Alice in Wonderland/Underground book and reference them.

But other than that i dont know what to do.

I can look into the live action films and compare the representation of the Cheshire cat throught the films.......but OHMYGAWD

this seriously confuses me ><;;;

I dont know what reference to get or where i should be looking. Because i know if i was researching an artist for college =w= i'd look into their work, thei influnces, who, what, where, when, why, how etc............
But for this essay it doesnt seem as simple as that.

All it seems to be is.........that the only place i can look for reference to Harvadise in all its bastardous glory, is the actual book itself.

So i'm completely lost.

sigh.........

And i'd email Phillipa......but i feel it will end badly and leave me more confused.