8'D more depressive ramblins

I think this has just become the place I get things off of my chest.

As of late i've become emotionally volatile, and it is indeed due to the whole -she slept with her friend- thing.

I dont know. She told me, she wants me and only me and that she loves me. But that she can't promise me she'll be celibate if only for the physical contact.

But even so, to me that isnt right. I want to be in a relationship where I dont have to worry constantly that she'll be in bed with someone else, even though she tells me. It's .....i dont know ... it's sort of a cross between and open relationship and cheating.

I, personally, can wait forever to be the person that i love. And the fact there is an ocean in between doesnt bother me. It can easily be crossed with enough money saved up, and that to me is okay.

To be with who I want to be with, I would always wait, even if I do crave physicality and am going out of my mind that I cant even hug my friends since none of them hug anyone unless they're upset. And let alone sex! I wouldn't touch anyone if I knew I had someone waiting for me, who trusts and loves me.

I'm pretty sure if i told her 'oh i got laid' she'd be more than upset.

And ofc I get jealous. She's over the ocean, I cant be with her or see her properly, i cant hug her or talk to her or anything unless Skype and IM programs.

Whereas she can see her friends, hug her friends, have sex with whoever she trusts.

I understand she's a rabbit. But it doesnt excuse it.

Perhaps Americans just have a completely different mindset to everyone I have known in England.

Because over here, doing that is indeed seen as wrong and you get warned not to be with people like that.

But from what I gather knowing her and her friends, it's apparently normal.

I mean, her best friend's girlfriend told her she'd like to fuck her. To me, that speaks VOLUMES. Not that I believe my girlfriend would sleep with her, because that would be cruel to her best friend.

But even still....... It feels like....every time I let myself just fall further into love with her, or let my fears and worries go to fully trust her. That's when it always happens and I find out something that cuts me.

And whilst I'd rather not know so I dont feel like i'm being stabbed. I would rather know so I dont feel i'm being lied to.

IT's not fair. I absolutely love her. But because of this i just dont trust her, and I constantly feel on edge about her.

Because frankly, one day she will find someone closer to her, someone who is as probably better than me and hey close by so there's a real physical relationship. And then I will turn into her ex-bf. Someone she doesnt want to hurt or lose friendship with...so most likely i'll be lied to for a good while. Which i dont want.

And yes.....I know i shouldnt assume but this is my thought process. Thus. STFU.

This sucks because last night we talked about how her friends relationship isnt working because of lack of communication.......

Ironic as I havent communicated any of this to my own girlfriend. Even if i make it perfectly clear how I hate it when she brings up things like being with someone else.

I am worried i'll lose her. It also pisses me off so much how she can be with someone and I cant because my morals and heart and life will not let me.......that and no one i know in England would ever do that... I;d have to get pissed at a club and hope someone hit on me |D Cause everyone i know has strong views that a relationship is a relationship.

But i hate this feeling of constant paranoia and worry and distrust. It's overshadowed me and made me feel like shit and half the time i'd like to just run away, leave her and everyone and just not be here.

At the same time i want her, only her, and i'd pretty much like a normal fucking relationship.

I often want to bring this up with her, but i don't want to start an argument, I don't want to make her feel like shit or upset.

But tbh she's not the only one who's alone. She may not share a house with anyone, but she's see's her friends more than I do, she goes out, she can be with people, she can TALK to her friends about her problems (Within reason). She has more communication and contact with people than me entirely.

I am beyond alone, with no friends I can talk to about my problems, or family that will listen, or even a councillor or anything.
None of my friends here believe in hugging people or anything, and all my other friends are either far away and I've grown apart from them, or they've got FAR too many of their own problems that I'd never want to bother them with mine. I don't want to talk to family about this either.

That or they'll judge me with the whole "you cant have a relationship online, you've never met the girl, blah blah peado, blah blah"

I'm on Skype with the girl often, I know she's real as i can SEE her. Yes you CAN have a relationship on-line as relationships are based on communication, getting to know people, etc etc. And that's exactly what we've done for three-ish years as friends before anything happened in the thirdish???? year.

It just........... What worries me most is this:

Right now we've never met, and as she said, she cant promise she wont 'be' with someone for the physical contact.

So for me right now, as much as that fucking hurts, I try and ignore that, push it away and pretend it doesn't exist like the idiot I am.

But I'm going to see her in the summer for a week, and I know I'll probably fall more in love with her than before, my guard'll drop and everything will be fucking roses.........sorta.

And then I'll go back to England...and things will go back to exactly how they were, the only difference being I'll trust her ten times more than ever, and will probably die inside because of it going back to how it is now. It'll sorta feel like it was all a waste.

It really sucks that someone apparently loves you that much but still needs other people. It's basically some thing I can never believe. And I'm clinging on because she'd the only person I've ever loved and no, I don't want to let her go, ever.

I don't want to share her.

Urh this was such a shitty mood to wake up in. And because of all this i keep taking it out on her slightly which surely she must have picked up on? And i keep being so bloody depressed =^=

I'd like to smile again and be happy please, you know..like I did before Christmas =_=